Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
