Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
