I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
