i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They left me at home... I'm a liability
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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