6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
