he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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