***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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