we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
