Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's always time for handjobs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
