i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
no more duck duck goose at the bar
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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