Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
