Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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