Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
