My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize