looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
