i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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