Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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