i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
