Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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