I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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