Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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