I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize