he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
