I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
