Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
