the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
