he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
