Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
