Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
