The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
