I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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