I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
