She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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