Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
