I will die if light touches me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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