Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
