woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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