I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nutella sex= disaster
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
