how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
either way he was missing a nipple.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
