Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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