Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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