The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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