So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
