He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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