Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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