Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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