when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
