no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
