hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
