Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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