also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I didn't notice because vodka
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
