I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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