think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
