The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
