My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
