Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
