Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
