My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Randomize
