Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
