my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
