I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize