I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
