When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
