we have pet lesbian snakes
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
